Below is the transcript from a recorded interview between Dave Elsner, father to Corey Elsner and S. J. Nechama.
S. J. Nechama
Hello, it’s S. J. Nechama for Honorable legacy. On this segment of Honor Stories, we have Dave Elsner. Dave’s son Corey died five years ago at the age of 28. Death is never an easy feat, particularly in the death of a child. Dave is going to take some time to speak to us in hopes that his grief story and his son’s legacy will impact others who are also on their journey through grief. Thank you so much, Dave. Please tell us who you are, what you do. We want to know more about the father before we learn of your son, Corey.
Dave Elsner
Sure. So my name is Dave Elsner. I currently live in Las Vegas. After spending 50 years in Southern California, moved out here a few years ago to be closer to family. And it was actually really as a result of Corey’s death, my daughter and grandkids were out here, and so I wanted to get closer to family again. I am a career salesperson in the technology industry. I’ve done sales management. I was a sales VP for some very large corporations. I was fortunate enough to sell a company in 2016. And so since then, I’ve been doing consulting and sales training. And again, it was really one of the results of Corey’s death is that I needed to take more time for me. And so instead of the 80 hours a week grind and the corporate life, I decided to manage my time better. And doing consulting and training allows me to schedule what I want, when I want, but still enjoy life when I want. Just a couple of extreme hobbies. I’m a race car driver now. I started driving Porsches in the early 2000s, but took it real seriously after Corey’s death. And so for the last five years, I have been racing Porsches on the Porsche Cup and Perelli Cup circuit.
I am married and really happy in Vegas. My dad has moved out here. Like I said, my daughter was here with the two grandkids, and my other daughter is going to be moving out here in about four months after she gets married. So we got the family all back together again in Vegas.
S. J. Nechama
Okay. So you have two daughters. How many children do you have?
Dave Elsner
Well, I have three and an angel. I have a son in Colorado. He unfortunately isn’t moving to Vegas because he’s building his career in life with a girlfriend up there as a linesman in the electric industry. And my daughter here in Vegas is a photographer. She does baby photography, and she’s doing quite well. She has great work life balance in raising the kids and being able to work when she wants. And then my youngest daughter is in Riverside right now. But like I said, she’s moving out here shortly. And she’s the manager of a hair salon.
S. J. Nechama
Beautiful. So a hair stylist and a photographer?
Dave Elsner
Yeah.
S. J. Nechama
Okay. Beautiful. Okay. So, Dave, tell us a little bit about Corey and your relationship with him. I noticed you referred to him as an angel. Go ahead, tell us a little bit more.
Dave Elsner
Yeah, I actually learned the angel thing from my post on social about my grieving about Corey but I’ll get to that later. Corey was awesome. He was one of a kind. I had four kids and no kid is the same. They are what they are and you can teach them core values. There are certain things that you can teach them. But he was something special. He was always a very caring young man. He was a little socially distanced from people and so throughout life he struggled with connecting with people until he got his self esteem in his early high school days.
Corey and I were very close from the time he was born. I was a very active participant in his life from sports like baseball and hockey. And Corey actually struggled with baseball. I was a baseball guy. And so when he was five, I put him in baseball. And after a couple of years, he came to me and said, this is boring. And so for me, it was all about finding something that he would love. And what we found was hockey. And I think it’s because it was highly active and you’re constantly moving that he got a lot of energy from that. He did high school for ten years and even ended up playing with me in a League where we had four fathers and four sons on a team. I really loved coaching his high school hockey team. We also spent a lot of time on vacations together, trips to Havasu with the boats and water skis. We did a lot as a family together. And so, yeah, we were really close. And then I’ll tell you, in his adult years, he really became a good adviser for me. Like, he was the one kid that I could really talk to about anything, not only spiritually, but about life.
And he always told me like it was. And so while we had this father son relationship while he was growing up, that became a friendship when he got into his adult years. And Corey and I really bonded, although we never lived, he lived with me for a few months in his adult years, but then he moved to Vegas, and so we were apart for a few years but still talked all the time, visited with each other all the time. Then he moved to Northern California, and we always found a way to be together. Either he was coming out to one of my race events, or I would fly up there and we’d go golfing. So, yeah, we were very close. I considered him more than a son. I considered him a friend because of that closeness and ability to talk to him without being judged.
S. J. Nechama
How positive. Wow. In relation. You said you have four children. So where did Corey fall in? I’m curious because of the dynamics of him being more than a son, that spiritual connection.
Dave Elsner
Yeah, he was our second born. We had my daughter Danielle, and then Corey. They were two years apart. And then Garrett, my other son, came four years later, and then Heather four years later. And the kids were also super close with each other. This event went beyond me and really tore them apart because each of them had a unique and beautiful relationship with Corey. Heather, my youngest, was super close to him. Danielle and Corey, while they were the closest siblings together and probably fought the most of all the kids, there was still a bond there that you couldn’t tear apart. He had an impact on all of us, that’s for sure.
S. J. Nechama
What happened to Corey?
Dave Elsner
Cory died in a motorcycle accident and I actually carried a lot of guilt over that because his mom didn’t want him riding motorcycles and I bought him that motorcycle. So he had been riding motorcycles for a few years and then he wanted a bigger, faster, better bike, so I bought it for him and carried some guilt with me around that for a while. It took me a while to realize that me buying that motorcycle isn’t what caused it. He would have been riding no matter what. And so, yeah, he was driving on a freeway and he was in the slow lane and traffic started to slow so he shot over to the number three Lane and traffic was stopped there and he hit the back of a car and I hate to say fortunately, but broke his neck and died instantly. So I take a little piece in that there wasn’t suffering there, but, you know.
At the same time, I started to blame myself. Mom started to blame herself for not getting him off the motorcycle, but he was just unsafe in that moment and didn’t handle things the right way. So, yeah, it was a motorcycle. Since then, we’ve done a few charity fundraisers to raise money about motorcycle awareness, the fact that motorcyclists need to wear a harness that attaches their helmet to their neck so that that kind of neck injury can’t happen. We’ve done some donations to the King’s Foundation because he was a huge LA Kings hockey fan. And so while that doesn’t necessarily help in the healing, we hope that that awareness will help other people realize. We always talk about “loud pipes save lives” and “look twice for a motorcyclist”, and it is a big cause of traffic deaths, people on motorcycles. So, yeah, “look twice, save a life”.
S. J. Nechama
Can you take us back to when you received the news, where were you, what you were doing and who called you?
Dave Elsner
Yeah, his best friend called me. He was roommates with a guy up in Northern California. He’s the one that called me. I was actually in Vegas getting ready to go to a Bruno Mars concert on December 28. And, yeah, it was devastating. I collapsed immediately. It was hard to fathom that somebody could disappear quickly that easily. That was a tough phone call to get and then calling his mother and his brothers and sisters…yeah, that was a rough day.
S. J. Nechama
Dave, my sympathies. My condolences to you.
Dave Elsner
Thank you.
S. J. Nechama
Seems very raw. It would be, and it may continue to be, but since that day, how has this impacted your life? What has gone on? I know you’ve mentioned the guilt that still continues to eat at you. Did this have an impact on your personal relationships, on the children? Was the guilt more inward or was it from also external sources?
Dave Elsner
Yeah. First of all, I don’t think I grieved right away because I got really busy and, like, taking care of the funeral arrangements and taking care of his personal affairs. And I just stayed really busy for a couple of months, and I think I was ignoring the fact that he was gone and not dealing with it the right way. That didn’t really hit me until later. The outpouring of love that we got. The attendance at his funeral was overwhelming to us…that we do a Facebook message and 400 people show up. And so we found a lot of peace in the fact that Cory was so loved by so many. But the grieving took a while to begin, and it hasn’t really gotten any easier. Actually, the longer he’s gone, the harder it gets. We do our best to memorialize him and remember him. I stay close to his friends, but, yeah, I would say that I just got really busy to try and avoid dealing with it.
S. J. Nechama
Your first reaction was just to delay the grief. When did it occur to you that I need to face this? Corey has died. Where do I go on from here? What was that defining moment that made you face this loss head on?
Dave Elsner
Yeah, I don’t think there was a defining moment like it kind of built over time. He died before his 29th birthday, and then we had a 30th birthday big celebration for him to memorialize him again. And I think it was just an over time thing. There was no like, one moment. I would say the one big moment that I had is shortly after his death, deciding to leave my company and listen to some of the words of wisdom that he gave me, which was, you spent your entire life focused on your kids: vacation, sports, school events, plays, and musicals. We had just become empty nesters at that point, with our youngest finally breaking free. It just kind of builds over time. I think the defining moment was more about my change in life in respect for what he did, some of the advice that he gave me before he passed.
S. J. Nechama
Wow. One of which was you’ve spent your life taking care of the children. Now it’s time to do something for you. And how did that play out for you? How did that go? Taking his advice and going out and doing things for you?
Dave Elsner
Yeah. Corey was never a very monetary person. He didn’t care about money. He cared about life. And I always cared about money as a source to provide for the family. And so that’s one of the great lessons I took away from him. So, yeah, I left my corporate job. I bought a race car and went racing. I started traveling the world and kind of went into the “you only live once” mindset of, I got all this money. Let’s go do something with it before I die. Let’s go enjoy life to the fullest before you’re too old to enjoy life to the fullest. And so I had always put off racing more seriously because of the kids, because it’s dangerous. Like I said earlier, I left that corporate job, started a consulting firm, went racing, went traveling. And so that’s really the impact he had on my life, is that money isn’t everything, life is. And the time with your loved ones. And life is more about memories and the impact those memories have on your life than making a bunch of money.
S. J. Nechama
Dave, what has your grief journey been like, and how has it changed from year one up to now? I know you’ve mentioned that you’ve learned to live more and not necessarily focus all your efforts on money. You’ve also purchased a race car, which sounds like quite a fun pastime. But other than that, what has happened? Because looking at you and speaking to you, I see that in a way or another, you are through your journey. You’re in your next living phase. You’re living but we would like to know what has your grief journey been like?
Dave Elsner
Yeah. Like I said, I think I ignored it at first and stayed busy. And the impact that it has was the change in my life. We as a family, it actually drew us much closer together, me and the kids. We memorialize Corey a lot. Everybody that came to his celebration of life or funeral, what have you call it? We had them write down a memory of Corey, and we keep it in a jar and we open it on special occasions and read two or three of them, which brings back to life great memories and things we didn’t know about Corey. Like his trip to Mexico when he was 18 to Tijuana to have a beer with three buddies and somebody wrote that down in Memories. I had no clue that he did that. He definitely pulled that one off. But we also light a Chinese Lantern on his birthday and set it off in the sky. We write messages on it to him. I stay connected with his close friends on Facebook and socially. I engage with them when I can, either at the places they work. And I invite Cory to my dreams. I think I told you the first time we talked that Corey hadn’t visited me in my dreams until about a year later.
And then he just recently visited me again. And what I’ve learned from my wife is to invite him into my dreams as a way to help to continue to remember him. And so also say that crying helps and it’s okay to memorialize and think about those times. The thing I struggle with the most is what he’s missing. Like, he’s not here to participate in this or see this or see that. I have to be reminded that he is here in spirit and really, he lives in my memories now. And so I think about, like, what would he be like if he was here? And how would he be reacting to this? And what would his thoughts be based on the memories that I have from him. So I don’t know that it gets any easier. I would say that it doesn’t hit you as often. Where it used to be every day, maybe it’s every two or three days, but there’s always constant reminders. It’s just about channeling those reminders in the right way.
S. J. Nechama
What is Corey’s birthday?
Dave Elsner
Yeah, he was May 17, 1988.
S. J. Nechama
And what a beautiful thing that each birthday you light a Chinese Lantern and send a message.
Dave Elsner
Yeah, we do it on Thanksgiving, we do it on Christmas. So, yeah, there’s always tears. But like I said, tears help.
S. J. Nechama
So it is okay to cry. Okay to let out the emotions.
Dave Elsner
Yeah.
S. J. Nechama
Wow. And what lessons, values and legacies of Corey would you like to Honor Forward? As you know, in this we’re sharing with others, and we thank you so much for allowing us into this very personal issue. But from this, what would you like for people to gather and to know, both about Corey and also about grief and the grief journey as a parent, as a father?
Dave Elsner
Yeah. I mean, Corey, like I said, was more about life than he was about personal tokens or money. He was a very bright kid and probably could have done phenomenal things, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to go hiking. He wanted to take vacations. I mean, we even talked about before his death. He was like, hey, I’m thinking about buying an RV and going across the country and just stopping at every place. I think of that movie Into the Wild, the kid that went to Alaska to live in the wild to find himself and that reminds me of Corey. Like, he was this free spirit that was more into relationships and friends and memories than he was sustainable things over time. And so that was Corey for anybody who else who’s going through this memorialize, remember, keep them with you. They’re part of you. I know that a piece of your heart is missing, but I think that keeping those memories alive and thinking about how would they react if they were in this situation with me now. The memory card, staying in touch with friends, all of that helps along the way.
S. J. Nechama
Thank you so much, Dave, for sharing. I know we’ve spoken about this behind the scenes, but have you thought of what would you advise people as far as seeking grief counseling or even seeking people around them to speak to? How has speaking to others helped you, whether it’s to a professional or just to a close friend or a confidant?
Dave Elsner
Yeah, I never really went and got any kind of counseling. I really leaned on my kids and family and friends. I’ve got some very close friends I was able to talk to about this and continue to talk to him about it. But I do think in hindsight, it probably would have been a good idea to better understand what I was going through and how to deal with it. And as you know, I put a post on what I called his “Deathiversary” on LinkedIn for my business friends to just acknowledge the lessons in life that Corey taught me. That money isn’t everything and that we’ve got to take the time with our family and our friends and create memories. And that’s the most important thing. And that post really helped me heal it got quite the reply. I called it his death anniversary. And I had two people respond with, you need to call it his “Angelversary” or his heavenly birthday. And little things like that helped. I also had video calls with a lot of people, but the biggest thing that came out of that is realizing how many people are in the same situation as me, how many people have lost their kids.
I’ve heard that when you lose your spouse, you’re called a widow or a widower. But there is no name for when you lose a child. And I don’t think a lot of people like to talk about it. But man, I had hundreds of people come out and say this happened to me, too. And thanks for sharing and especially the message about work life balance. And therefore, if there was a healing moment, that would have been it. Like me doing that post, I was not looking to get healed or made to be made feel better about the whole situation. I was just trying to share some wisdom that I learned as a result of the event. But the outcome was talking about it really helped me. So I guess that would be my other advice is don’t hesitate to talk about it. When people ask me how many kids I have, my answer is always three living and an angel, because then that gives me the opportunity to talk about it and cry and that helps.
S. J. Nechama
Dave, when you posted that and thanks for bringing that up, that truly drew me to you. Your openness in speaking to others. And I saw that there was a sort of a healing going on in the comments, not only for you, but for others, because sometimes one may want to speak of their loss, but they may not know who to direct it to. They may not know if they just speak to anyone, whether that will be a downer for them. So being open, I saw that in every other post where anyone spoke of losing a child, you were there to comfort them and tell them, I see you. I hear you, and I feel what you’re saying because I, too have been on a similar journey, and I say similar in that it’s a child’s death, but every loss is different.
Dave Elsner
Yeah.
S. J. Nechama
I know you’ve mentioned that you had a lot of family support. Your wife was there, you had other children. Did that contribute to at least assisting you and empowering you in a way to be able to go on, not move on from his life, but to just go on in life?
Dave Elsner
Yeah. I don’t know that I hesitated to go on. I think I went on with vigor in a different way, but it definitely helped me heal. It helped me realize that I’m not alone. It also helped me to realize that people don’t talk about it and they should because it helps. And talking to so many people individually on calls afterwards, or even the conversations on LinkedIn itself and instant messaging, I think did a lot for me and other people. We talk about a grieving process and a journey and healing. I don’t think there’s any one moment that all of that happens. I think it definitely happens over time and it will continue.
S. J. Nechama
I see. Well, thanks for shedding light on that. And when we say journey, no two journeys, of course, are alike, but we’re saying journey in terms of the days. Just things changing, maybe having a different understanding. But we thank you so much for bringing that up. But there is not necessarily a journey or a moment that really tugs at you to pursue healing or to necessarily move on. And you spoke to the people on Linkedin. Were they just calling to speak on their loss as well? Were you sharing notes on your losses? I just would like to know what the communication was between a parent that has lost a child and another parent that has lost a child.
Dave Elsner
A lot of those conversations went to private instant messaging, where we did talk about how we lost our loved one further and what they’re going through, what they’ve done to heal, which helped me, what I’ve done to heal, which I think helped them. There were also conversations about work life balance. I had people reaching out to me that felt guilty about how much they were working and questioning whether or not they should continue working that hard, which is really hard to answer for somebody because I believe you’ve got to find work balance, but you also have to provide for your family along the way. Unfortunately, we’re in a society that you have to work and you have to have income. Otherwise, it’s tough to live. But, yeah, I had a lot of IMs. I did a few video calls with people where we were talking one on one like this about what they went through, what I went through, what they’ve done to heal. And I think overwhelmingly what I heard is that the pain doesn’t go away. You got to learn to deal with it, and you got to learn to direct your pain in a positive way.
And like I said, I used to grieve that Corey was missing things, and now I’ve changed my mindset. If he was here, how would he be enjoying this with me based on the memories that I have of him? And so all of those calls, the videos, the instant messaging, how it helped me is giving me a different perspective on things like the “Angelversary”, like the memorializing and stuff like that.
S. J. Nechama
Now that you’ve brought up one of your specialties and also something that Corey did try to instill in you as a father, you are a success of work life balance. What two advice can you give to people about how to achieve it, both being able to provide and having a balance and minding your family and all other personal relationships.
Dave Elsner
I actually read something on LinkedIn this morning that was pretty good; it was your job could let you go tomorrow or your business could fall apart tomorrow for some unforeseen reason, like COVID or what have you or war. And in six months from now, they won’t miss you. But if you were to lose your family a lot is going to be missed in life. I do think it’s more important to put family first always. Above success, money, personal achievements, it should be more about family achievements. I do think it’s important that more people strive to have that work life balance and that it creates a lot more happiness and satisfaction in life. Creating memories and making memories that you can live on, rather than nobody knows that I was the sales VP of the year in 2010, but a lot of people know that I coached my son to a high school Championship that year. That little thing that I read this morning about your job is not going to miss you. You may think you’re great and you’re important and they can’t live without you. But six months from now, you’re just replaceable and you’re not replaceable with your family.
S. J. Nechama
How often do you draw upon your memories with coaching ball with Corey? Those now hold more weight than ever, I can imagine. Those memories of spending time together.
Dave Elsner
Yeah. Every day. These two pictures on the wall here Corey and I bought together when we were at a hockey game, and that’s the LA Kings winning the 2014 Stanley Cup, which I got the honor of seeing with Corey. And we were both huge fans for years. And so the memories are all around me every day. Whether I’m driving on the freeway and a motorcyclist goes by too fast or it’s a picture of him on my wall, I’m reminded every day. And it really just comes down to how you deal with it.
S. J. Nechama
How positive, how inspirational Dave, that you’ve posted those or you’ve hanged those two photos, you’re quite indeed the personification of what good memories, creating positive time, spending time because it was substantial while he lived. And now in his death, it still continues to be something he can hold on to. Wow. That’s very positive. And, Dave, anything else you’d like to share with us, you’d like others to know?
Dave Elsner
Make memories. Make memories with the family and the kids. That should be your number one priority is life is not about money. Life is about family. Life is about the impact that you have with your family and friends, not the impact that you have at work, but you still need to provide.
S. J. Nechama
Well, those are words to live by. Make memories. Thank you so, so much, Dave.
Dave Elsner
Yeah.
S. J. Nechama
You have breathed a new breath of fresh air in many of us. And I’m hoping this story will go out to parents like yourself that have lost a child or anyone that has lost a child and continue to impact people for generations to come today, tomorrow and beyond. And we still continue to hope the best for you in your healing journey, which you mentioned would be a lifetime journey. And we hope that by positively sharing this, others can also have a friend. Whether they don’t call you or send you a message whenever they need to hear from another father, then they can look back to this video and hear what you have to say. And to all the listeners we’d like to thank you so much and a big thank you to you, Dave. You have been very courageous and very generous in sharing the story. Thank you.
Dave Elsner
Thanks S. J. It was my pleasure.
